The Difference Between Healthy and Unhealthy Groups

There are differences between healthy and unhealthy groups that will help highlight what we want and don't want in our communities. I would like to list a few I have learned through experience. Over the past few years I have been dealing with a group of individuals who consider themselves "locals" (I'm a local with multi generational roots but because I have a Muslim sounding name that designation no longer applies and that designation has been stripped through ethnocentric projections.) and have coordinated efforts to not only damage reputations but also encourage a wider group of individuals (based in their sports networks) to engage in similar types of antagonistic behaviors (probably learned from antagonism with other sports teams. We aren't a sports team...were just a father and two kids. Think about it!). 

While my children and I have not done anything to the members of this group (.....disagreeing or having boundaries is not "doing" something. Not all members understand theirs and/or others boundaries so it only seems like "doing" something.), we were told by the "leadership" the reason why this group and their larger network of supporters were doing this because we are "Muslim" (..leading to a coordinated ethnic cleansing attempt to make the town uncomfortable through social network manipulation.). That is likely only part of the truth. The other part is that there are other petty things that set off the fragile egos of key influencers in the group (...such a social problem means we need to work on finding a Social Cure for unhealthy group behaviors least their value systems spread to others who might also not critically examine information and behaviors. See Social Cure) 

Hate really isn't as much about hate as it is about power over others and the weakness the perpetrators hide from their followers/others (If you are confident in yourself there is no reason to hate or fear people who are different.). What likely urks the "inner core" of the group the most is that the majority of people around their age have come to recognize them as the "center" of local sports and social culture since highschool (I'm not sure why...they seem pretty average to me in terms of wealth, style, abilities and characteristics). The core groups desire to be praised by others around them creates a much bigger problem when the "Muslim family" (and likely others) see the mental folly and refuse to bend to their will (The arrogance of not allowing people decide things for themselves without outside manipulation and/or intimidation! What is this world coming too? Ingrates! 😒😳). 

Most "normal" people just sort of move on when they can't dominate someone but in this case the central members of the group continue to spread rumors (...increasing the likelihood others will be hurt through false information and "loose cannon" personalities) capitalizing on "blind" group followership and an all too willing "gossipy" ear. There is little to  no remorse for such behaviors because it is "justified" simply because they are the "other" and do not have the channel to provide an alternative source of information through intentionally created social barriers (Come on...your really think when push comes to shove people don't support their friends over "good moral conscious"? We have seen lots of people do bad things and in hindsight say they were pushed by others and are "blameless". Each person "owns" their own behaviors and often only becomes aware after the fact when they look back in forced reflection. )

It creates a problem for society because this group feels "entitled" to "own" a town and those that disagree with inappropriate behaviors and false information become targets for coordinated behaviors (i.e. bragging about how they ruled highschool, how they "rule" the town, and how everyone wants to be like them. Most of the people don't have the background to sort of see the dysfunction in all of this so they believe the first thing that comes out of one of their friends mouth without considering how misinformation benefits those spreading it.) 

Basically, the extended sports members are told who they are allowed to talk to and who they can be friends with based upon the social direction and control methods of their central leaders (In laymen's terms they call it "owned". BTW it seems as though they use rumors and false information to control their network as well. Doesn't sound very free to me and this makes such groups undesirable to emulate in the general population). Here are a few concepts that separate healthy from unhealthy group dynamics...

1.) Healthy groups accept people who are different then them (They are not ethnic cleansers, hate mongers, and bullies. Yuck! Yuck!). They recognize the inherent value of others and are open to meaningful exchanges.

2.) They don't manipulate the laws, spread rumors, put in false police complaints and then brag about it, or engage in aggressive behaviors. Healthy groups try and focus on truth, solutions and win-win outcomes. 

4.) Healthy groups move beyond their highschool identities (i.e. sports) and into other healthy differentiation of personality (multi faceted interests that may include sports but also art, books, volunteering, etc...) 

5.) Healthy groups don't tell their friends what to believe and the values they "must" have to be members (Remember this should not look like a gang with colors.). While members in groups align on many things they are not forced to believe in a specific way for fear of social retaliation.

6.) Healthy groups don't coordinate behavior to harm "those people" or spread rumors to damage the reputations of others. In healthy groups, the members know the difference between right and wrong and are empowered to act upon it. The more they follow the direction of the core leadership, the more they lose their sense of "reality" that could lead to further inappropriate behaviors in the future.

7.) People in healthy groups are allowed to think for themselves. Normal variance in opinions is accepted without repercussion.  One person(s) doesn't get to define things for others simply because they were popular 30 years ago and can still throw a good "kegger". 🍺 (Animal House and Caddy Shack were cult classics that live on and on and on!)

Healthy groups are open and welcoming to others and are willing to be inclusive of general differences. Members are allowed to have their own identities and not tied to the dysfunctional values of their "leadership". They are free to hang out with whoever they want without having the threat of being "cut off" if they are friends with "the Muslim people" or show any sense of maturing of civility (I'm surprised people give their personal power over to them. Its like all the "manliness" and "coolness" gestures by some of the members is just more or less theatrics when push comes to shove 🤷.)

As of now, I will continue to be polite and friendly to members of this group so they don't need to fear others such as Muslims, Jews, Blacks, Asians and/or anyone else who holds different values. However, there are limits on what a person can and can't do because as long as the central members continue to encourage poor behaviors it is unlikely that the other members will have the independence of thought and/or self efficacy to break free from their dysfunctional networks (That would mean they are mature adults Abel to decide things for themselves). 

Members of this group feel that if they just sort of don't say anything that they are "off the hook". That isn't true (Group behavior only seems to diminish individual responsibility.). Silence in this case is complacency that that is the root of why such bad behaviors continue (..and have likely been done to others in the past. This was learned behavior based on past patterns. Thus it was a tool used at other times. In this case, they can't live with not being in control so they continuously escalate every issue.).  Its important for the group to reflect back to their leadership the inappropriateness of their behaviors so the group can reorient back toward healthy pro-social behaviors.  

I found a study on bullying that you may find interesting. See Bullying in Sports  "Pörhölä et al. (2006) stated the majority of research studies related to bullying defined it using three criteria; a) bullying is when someone directs destructive behavior in the direction of another party or the intent to hurt or harm, b) bullying is an act that happens repeatedly over time, c) there is a disproportion of power executing bullying and a party being subjected to bullying that is unable to defend oneself." It important to remember that its the intent of the bully's and not the "reality" of the situation. Not everything is how it first appears and that is why we don't judge only the cover of a book (trust me...flipping open a page of a book from time to time could be helpful here 📕📖.)  

My question is, How many other times have members of this group done this until someone said, "Nope...its not your right to throw your dysfunction on others! It makes no differences if you manipulate 20 or 200 people to act on your misleading information because right is right and wrong is wrong!."  With any luck and with positive engagement (over time) we can encourage members of this group to abandon their blind followership into the dark world of hate and chart their own course in their relationships and lives (i.e. empowering people to be better). We owe it to others and our children to be well adapted adults. America is built off of freedom and the right for people to think for themselves and not on bending to intimidation, corruption, or hate (Yes I'm aware of politics over the past 10 years and the growing trends there. Not sure I completely understand it yet.🙈🙉🙊).

Each of us will need to decide which principles in our lives matter and the values we want emulate to the youth of our community (The central members of this group intentionally involving children and taught their children inappropriate lessons). I would love a win win situation where the perpetrators come to recognize their behaviors and seek help in solving their personal problems versus finding scapegoats in "the other". It would also be nice to find a way through the fog that can shed light on how to deal with these issues in other places. That requires coordinated efforts to redirect their anger into a healthier place where they can deal with it and move past it (Hate is sometimes based in other comingling traits such as narcissism and childhood trauma.)

 ...as of now I'm still here. 💗