Monday, June 17, 2019

What do Abusive Families Look Like? Its All In How They Handle Conflict

Raising awareness of abused kids.
So what do abusive families look like? They look like your and my family. The only way to tell from the outside that the family has taken on a dysfunctional nature is to see the patterns inherent in the way they handle conflict and dissent. It takes a level of insight and openness to the possibilities but the signs are there for anyone to see.

First, no family that has engage in dysfunctional behavior will admit their behavior is a gross violation of human rights. They don't have the self-reflective ability to do so and are buried in their patterns and live in a self confirmed system. They created a reality that can't be challenged from the inside.

Second, abusive families are all about power dynamics. If they can't control you they will seek to damage you. In healthy families people can voice their opinion and their voice will be respected. Families that want control will either snub reasonable concerns or "shout down" dissent. The loudest and most bully voice wins!

The opposite of this is healthy families that listen first, ask questions, and the come conclusions that are helpful to all members. This is what we would expect out of mature people and this is what we expect out of healthy families.

Third, Some dysfunctional families spread rumors to damage another person's credibility. Its called character assassination and is well document in the literature. They know they have done wrong and instead of facing it they seek to win in the court of public opinion. The more they can get people to hate the target the more they see themselves as blameless.

Fourth, having civil conversations with abusive family members is almost impossible. They are a "might over right mentality". Some family members might use their popularity to damage another person or another might physical threaten.  The particular power someone uses to control another person is highly dependent on abilities and context. Yet in an abusive family there always is an issue of control.

Fifth, sometimes fights get legal because families involved children as missiles in perpetuating the dysfunctional behavior. This is not a healthy environment for the children or for the family members themselves. They talk openly of the hate they have for a person who may not be guilty of much but be a convenient target. You will often find a whole host of other questionable behaviors because of the lack of empathy and boundaries. Think about it...if your willing to damage to control are you willing to do other things for self-gain?

Sixth, dysfunctional families call anything that questions inappropriate behavior as "drama" They use the word drama to minimize and de-legitimize important concerns. They know that person is right about challenging poor behavior but it is just easier to "gas light". Gas light means making someone else responsible for their behavior through insinuating "insanity" and "over emotionality". Often there was no reaction other then calling out poor behavior.

Seventh, Not all family members are supportive of the abusive dynamics but they may feel powerless to speak up because if they do means they "sold out" their family. There could also be fear of having family arguments and stress.Some may be clueless what is going on while others may simply be choosing to stay quiet because it is in their best interest to do so. As this happens families damage themselves and fail to take on a healthier existence because there are no checks and balances.

Eight, dysfunctional families love to compare themselves to other people. They diminish others and raise themselves up. People of different, colors, lifestyles, religion, interests, education, friends, etc... are overtly put down and discarded. They are too weak to face their failures and take responsibility over their own lives so they must find targets. The people who engage in such aggressive behavior feel inadequate and project their feelings onto others. Sometimes they even lie about their own friends, children, and relatives.

I'm raising support for children who have been abused and need your help. These are orphans who now have no one in their lives. Problems first arise through dysfunctional dynamics that member refuse to change and eventually lead to more aggressive behaviors that result in children being taken away. If you support these kids you may send me money directly through Paypal or Venmo for Donations (@muradabel) and I will bring down supplies the next time I visit or you can support an established non-profit

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