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Monday, March 26, 2018

When is it beneficial to "dump" someone?

People get upset over dumping someone and avoid the sting of rejection. Sure its painful to break the bonds that you started to create. However, when "red flags" arise and you need to back away you can do so with some grace. Other times you may need to just make things abrupt.

Remember that the goal is not short term dating but long term bonding with someone who is capable of developing a meaningful deep relationship.  Not all people can. There are a few rules you can learn when it is wise to consider "dumping" someone.

Before you go headlong into breaking ties remember that there are times you can work out your differences by simply being honest and asking for clarification. If the other person doesn't want to respond or doesn't care enough to give straight answers they may not be the "one" for you. It takes two and if they are not in; then they should be out!

1.) Too many questions but not enough answers is a time to reevaluate the benefit of the relationship. If the person cannot answer direct questions you should let them go because they don't care much about open dialogue to clear up misunderstandings.

2.) Ditching their phone for long periods of time could mean they are busy but could also mean they may be dating someone else. If this happens frequently and always with a "friend" then consider asking about it and if you don't like the answer let them go.

3.) They are so self-centered your needs don't count. If you are trying to balance both persons needs and no matter how you discuss and bring it up they are just interested in their own things, all the time even when it impacts the relationship, consider re-evaluating.

4.) If the person doesn't pick up their part of the bargain and try to maintain equity in the health of the relationship. If they are sucking your money, time, effort and give little in return you might be getting taken advantage of.

5.) If the person lies, gets angry and criticizes.  Sometimes these problems can be worked out by having appropriate boundaries, but if they are always putting you down they are hiding deep insecurities.  The anger and lies are a sign they are not forthcoming and working on building a trusting relationship.

6.) They are pushing away. If you are trying to draw closer but they are chronically pushing away, hiding, going out, and not involving you then let them go.

7.) When they are trying to change you to fit an image they have of what they want out of a partner. We all could use some feedback for improvement but if this is just for image purposes then you may not be what they want out of a partner. Its a no win situation.

So what to do?

Try and address your concerns with them and if they can't work on it or have an honest discussion then put some space between you and them. Let them know that the relationship is ending and you will give them some time to think about what they truly want. Sometimes that sparks renewed effort. If they don't come around just let them go and move on to someone better suited. Win in the long run and forget the short-term worries. If they haven't learning anything will carry the same problems onto the next relationship, and the next, and the next.....

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